This is Estara’s viewpoint of Leian, two of my characters in my stories. They fall in love with each other at an inopportune time in their lives, and end up causing a lot of misfortune because of it. I’m already aware of the subconscious connections this has to my own life, which is why I’m writing my personal introspection down. This analysis may end up doubling as a message to someone I used to know. That will, however, depend on if he even reads this diary or not.
I don’t wonder too much about your decisions. I realize that you’re choosing this path, and I should have no say in it. Yet, I still have myself to deal with, and when I wake up from dreams seeing you there, it would be mentally damaging to pretend you’re nothing.
So I find myself writing about you, aware of the cliff I’m perched on. Many things can be assumed of me by giving you this space in my head. I hope you are not one that assumes.
Truth is, I can’t hate you. You did all this to force me to move on from you. When pieced together, my memories recall a boy way too introverted, shy, and sensitive to ever do what ended up happening to me. It seems more like you ran away from yourself. To be hateful of that, I have to convince myself you changed into an entirely different person, and saw me as your metaphorical past which you had to escape. You didn’t want to be reminded of me anymore so you created a new self, a new personality, with a new set of strangely unique quirks.
And as you ran, I became Nothing.
I have to wonder if you thought I’d be okay… because I have to believe that boy is in there, hoping I will be okay. But what do I know of this…? Your judgment is that the past doesn’t have to affect your present self. This is true, but you have to truly know who you are first before your past doesn’t shape you anymore. Not to be presumptuous, but your past doesn’t scream self-realization. What you’ve done since doesn’t scream self-realization, either. And I’ve felt it; the air in your childhood home felt like your parents were lost in their own worlds, trying to get away from the ’til death do we part’ section of their religious vows. Clearly, I don’t know if you have figured out why. I hope you figured out why…
Point is, you went somewhere else, too… like your parents, you grew up wanting to be someone else… anyone else.
Now, as an adult, the you who shows his face to the world cannot legitimately feel normal, and it is because your real feelings are uncontrollable. They have never been controlled, and your only method to control them is to push them as far back into your mind as possible which is not an actual method. But, because feelings remain uncontrollable, you reversely believed me to be too emotional, and too empathetic. I could never be “stable” for you to lean on, I suppose. You even called me manipulative once because I was bringing out emotions in you, and you didn’t understand what to do with them.
Now you’re convinced I’m obsessed, and used you for my own personal gain which is ironic because I ultimately let you use me. I don’t even know if it helped.
So, clearly, as society decrees, I’m just continuing to deny my over-empathetic concern. I should be out for myself, and that’s it. At least you’re an entirely different person now, and fit right into the mold society wanted you to fill… So none of this introspection matters to you… right?